This week has been absolutely cruel to me. I have gotten rejection after rejection, bad comments after bad comments on my personal statement, and although the good comments outweigh the bad ones, I really can't help but wonder, how can I do more, how can I improve. In the short span of a week, I'm going to be submitting my application and it's all up to the hands of God (and the admission officers) to decide whether I'm fit to be a vet.
But somehow, something else bugs me more than it should. Him. It is always him, and it always have been him. He was my friend, someone I looked up to when I needed inspiration, listened to whenever I needed advice. He pointed out my flaws, helped me amend them, but at the same time, accepted me for the horrible, temperamental little girl that I am. And that was why I trusted him, I believed (close to) every word he said cause I knew he was doing this for my own benefit. But now, at the time when I needed him the most (and might I add this isn't the first time), he conveniently slips out of the picture.
Time and time again, not only has he proven to me that boys cannot be fully trusted with protecting a girl's feelings, I have proven to myself that I am incapable, and impeccably unreceptive to other people's advice. I have failed myself over and over again, thinking that I was matured enough to handle a 'matured relationship', where petty things don't matter and how every problem can be solved with just 'talking it out'. But that's it really, I'm just a girl, I am still a girl. And no matter how much I convince myself that I am ready to be a grown-up, I will never know until the day I stop using my heart to think and my brain to feel (i.e. choose emotions over reason).
I spent the weeks upon weeks asking myself, what is it about me that just drives people away. Leaving me is bad enough, but why, why in the world would you leave me at a time when I am most vulnerable, most confused and lost?! For days I was feeling angry and helpless. Annoyed that I cannot control my emotions, frustrated that I have no way of solving this, I hate feeling so, so.. human.
Then it finally struck me. Finding the one isn't my true purpose in life. Spending the rest of my life with the man I love isn't going to make me the happiest woman in the world. Sure, I can't argue that's a plus point, but what truly matters to me, is doing what I love, and that is healing animals. Tonight, I finally understand what it means to depend on yourself and God of course above all else. Because people are going to leave you. People are going to step all over you and storm out of your life as though you meant nothing to them. So I owe it to myself, I owe it to my parents, to do well in life, and that's going to start by first getting into vet school. My parents did not spend so much effort and money raising me and sending me half way across the world to get into some silly heartbreak. They have raised me better than this. My father would always tell me "no one is indispensable", and tonight, I have properly understood the underlying meaning of his advice.
I have made an ultimatum with myself (silly, I know). Will I continue believing in true love, and that to be truly happy, I have to be with someone who loves me and cherishes me, OR will I chase my dreams, grab life by it's balls and make the most out of my life and make a difference in as many lives, regardless 4-legged or 2-legged as I can.
And with a clear and conscious mind, I choose the latter.
p/s: it was virtually impossible to stop crying when I was typing this so I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors
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